I was reading the first few chapters in a book I had set aside for months now, not touching it or looking at it. Not really sure why, as it's a book about the fandom of one of my favorite TV shows - Supernatural. I suspect my inner ID thought it would be cheesy and silly and don't these people have a life after all? I know I was being pretentious and holier than thou and thinking it would just be a collection of gushing fan letters "Oh Jensen your lips are so beautiful" and "Oh Jared I love your hair".
I was pretentious. I was arrogant. I am humbled after reading those first several stories. They were real and they meant something to ME personally. I read about myself, many different facets of myself. I recognized myself and my journey. In reading their stories I read me.
I've always been afraid of this blog. I've been terrified of putting my own words out there on that great wide internet, or anywhere at all where someone else might see them. I can't reveal that much of myself, I have to stay hidden and locked away. The humility gene has been beat into me from an early age - isn't writing the most selfish and self-aware thing you can do? Writing this, right now, this page - isn't this just ME crying for attention? I was taught never to be the one that gets the attention. Stay in the background. Stay quiet. Don't cry. Never cry. Never never never my mind just roils with all the "nevers" I was raised on. They make it difficult for me to open any doors and lower any boundaries. Events of the past 8 years have layered a mountain of granite over those stone walls of my soul and all creativity I thought I once had just vanished.
I used to hunger to write. I used to dream of telling my stories. I never really knew what my stories would BE but dammit I wanted to tell them. That desire that I've lived with since I was old enough to read just went away. It went completely away and left me about 4 years ago. I thought "well look old girl you finally grew up. You put away the last of your childhood dreams. You're really an adult now."
How sad. and how fucking grateful I am to this book. This little slim paperback book that I bury my nose in just to smell the printed page and caress the softest cover stock to feel how an actual book feels again and remind me of how a book was my first companion and my oldest friend.
Thank you, Lynn Zubernis, for doing what you love and creating this collection of inspiring journeys and riveting tales from the folks I never acknowledged as family, until now. Thanks, #SPNFamily. May I discover my next chapter in your light.
Aug 24, 2017
Oct 30, 2015
Mourning Blu
We lost our beloved cat Blu tonight to a coyote. He ate him right in our own front yard, around 9. After dark. Blu loved being out at night, and it was a full moon which always drew him. He never went far most of the time, and true to form he stayed in the yard tonight. But it wasn't safe for him. I found his collar and tufts of his hair by the fence to the backyard. I've seen him climb that spot and go over the wall a hundred times, so I'm sure he was attempting that one last time. Coyote was too fast for him, and he nailed him.
We didn't miss saving him by much. When my spouse went out the front to look for him, he saw the coyote run across the street with something in his mouth. We investigated, and found one front paw, then the other front paw about 30 feet away where the Coyote dropped it. It was surreal, looking down at those paws. Like looking at a chicken leg, but I knew right away it was a piece of Blu, it was his flame point tipped paws with white hair. I petted it. (and then I proceeded to get drunk.)
Seeing his paws in isolation like that without the rest of his body, I first thought well this can't be Blu, these legs are way too big for him. Oh my heart just breaks remembering it. I went home and got walmart bags, and bagged them up. Then what else to do, but put what was left of him in the trash.
Do you take two paws to the vet to send off to get cremated? That's what we did with our other beloved cat that passed this summer, but then we had his whole body. What's the right thing to do for just two paws?
I went back out later on to examine the crime scene some more, and that's when I found the internal organs and the area where Coyote ate him. Coyote took him about 10 feet away from where he grabbed him and ate him. Right in our own front yard. I found pieces of his insides, the only one I could identify for sure was his intestines. I thought at first it was a human ear, but on closer examination I could see the poo oozing out the ends and realized what it was. Lots of blood on the grass where the coyote made his meal.
I'm so so sorry, Blu, that your last minutes alive were spent in terror and that you didn't have a chance to go out peacefully in our arms surrounded by our love. Know that we love you so much!
Poor Spud, I know he was out there with Blu and saw it going down. As best as we can tell, he got away. I didn't find any evidence that he had been consumed as well, so we think he's freaked out and in hiding somewhere. Stay there, little Spud, until after the sun is well up in the sky, then it will be safe to come home.
Blu was a great cat. A cantankerous Siamese. We got him when he was a few weeks old for our grandson, so he would have his own cat in our house. And they did bond, had lots of fun watching the two year old playing with the baby kitten. One scene I remember well, because I saw it repeated many many times. He would be in the glass shower stall taking a shower and playing, and Blu would stand outside on his hind legs and pawing at the glass with his front legs, trying to get in. We'd open the door, but he wanted no part of the water. Close the door, and he'd start pawing again.
Blu was my spouse's cat, too. He spent many a night nested on his chest in the bed, or curled up on his lap in a chair. He had that Siamese cat meow, too. If you've ever been around a Siamese you know what I mean.
One of his other funny traits was how he really didn't like my youngest daughter, and would hiss and swipe at her when she was around. She would egg him on, too, and he would get that much worse. Over the years he warmed up to her, and was not nearly as hateful to her, but she could still get a rise out of him.
My last memories today of Blu were seeing him nested on my husband's chest this morning, and seeing him sleeping on my chair in my office today as I worked. Last time I saw him alive, he was asleep on my chair when I went to eat dinner. I wish he was still there.
Blu came to us in June of 2006, and he left this world on October 29, 2015. We had a great 9 years with him, may he rest in peace. Go play with your buddies Harry, Gilly and Indiana, Blu.
We didn't miss saving him by much. When my spouse went out the front to look for him, he saw the coyote run across the street with something in his mouth. We investigated, and found one front paw, then the other front paw about 30 feet away where the Coyote dropped it. It was surreal, looking down at those paws. Like looking at a chicken leg, but I knew right away it was a piece of Blu, it was his flame point tipped paws with white hair. I petted it. (and then I proceeded to get drunk.)
Seeing his paws in isolation like that without the rest of his body, I first thought well this can't be Blu, these legs are way too big for him. Oh my heart just breaks remembering it. I went home and got walmart bags, and bagged them up. Then what else to do, but put what was left of him in the trash.
Do you take two paws to the vet to send off to get cremated? That's what we did with our other beloved cat that passed this summer, but then we had his whole body. What's the right thing to do for just two paws?
I went back out later on to examine the crime scene some more, and that's when I found the internal organs and the area where Coyote ate him. Coyote took him about 10 feet away from where he grabbed him and ate him. Right in our own front yard. I found pieces of his insides, the only one I could identify for sure was his intestines. I thought at first it was a human ear, but on closer examination I could see the poo oozing out the ends and realized what it was. Lots of blood on the grass where the coyote made his meal.
I'm so so sorry, Blu, that your last minutes alive were spent in terror and that you didn't have a chance to go out peacefully in our arms surrounded by our love. Know that we love you so much!
Poor Spud, I know he was out there with Blu and saw it going down. As best as we can tell, he got away. I didn't find any evidence that he had been consumed as well, so we think he's freaked out and in hiding somewhere. Stay there, little Spud, until after the sun is well up in the sky, then it will be safe to come home.
Blu was a great cat. A cantankerous Siamese. We got him when he was a few weeks old for our grandson, so he would have his own cat in our house. And they did bond, had lots of fun watching the two year old playing with the baby kitten. One scene I remember well, because I saw it repeated many many times. He would be in the glass shower stall taking a shower and playing, and Blu would stand outside on his hind legs and pawing at the glass with his front legs, trying to get in. We'd open the door, but he wanted no part of the water. Close the door, and he'd start pawing again.
Blu was my spouse's cat, too. He spent many a night nested on his chest in the bed, or curled up on his lap in a chair. He had that Siamese cat meow, too. If you've ever been around a Siamese you know what I mean.
One of his other funny traits was how he really didn't like my youngest daughter, and would hiss and swipe at her when she was around. She would egg him on, too, and he would get that much worse. Over the years he warmed up to her, and was not nearly as hateful to her, but she could still get a rise out of him.
My last memories today of Blu were seeing him nested on my husband's chest this morning, and seeing him sleeping on my chair in my office today as I worked. Last time I saw him alive, he was asleep on my chair when I went to eat dinner. I wish he was still there.
Blu came to us in June of 2006, and he left this world on October 29, 2015. We had a great 9 years with him, may he rest in peace. Go play with your buddies Harry, Gilly and Indiana, Blu.
 |
| Blu trying to get in the shower |
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| Blu's first day in his new home |
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| What a sweet baby! |
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| He did like to pose for photos! |
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| Was always the master of his territory - loved to sit on this post and survey the neighborhood |
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| Also loved to groom the other cats. |
Aug 14, 2014
On Changing Perspectives
I was 52 years old when I came home from a showing of the movie August: Osage County and had my own epiphany moment. I was thinking of family dynamics and secrets. And how the wise witchy old women did actually know all that had happened. They just made choices about what they chose to acknowledge and what they didn’t.
I thought about my own family and our dynamics. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks as I reflected on my own deep dark family secret - “What if she knew all along?”
Doesn’t that turn my world on it’s head? What if she knew! I had to stop and re-examine everything. Why hasn’t she ever asked me why I despise him so much? Why hasn’t she ever asked me why can’t we just get along? It never occurred to me that she didn’t ask the question because she KNEW the answer! How wicked is that?
Does she? I immediately went into turtle mode and scoffed. I liked my flight of fancy because it showed I still had some imagination left. Or did it? Was it my subconscious driving up from the deep to drop a pearl of crap on the sandy beach? Did I know she knew somehow? And was finally ready to acknowledge it? Today of all days? Decades later? Could I really be that oblivious?
Well why the hell not? I’ve certainly thought she was that oblivious all these years. Why couldn’t it be me instead?
It just reinforces what I know but fail to respect - there are two or more perspectives to every single story. I’ve been living with mine and only mine, never considering another might exist. Seeing things as I saw them in my area of the spotlight without seeing the rest of the stage or back stage.
What a moment in my life when I was reminded I don’t know it all.
I thought about my own family and our dynamics. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks as I reflected on my own deep dark family secret - “What if she knew all along?”
Doesn’t that turn my world on it’s head? What if she knew! I had to stop and re-examine everything. Why hasn’t she ever asked me why I despise him so much? Why hasn’t she ever asked me why can’t we just get along? It never occurred to me that she didn’t ask the question because she KNEW the answer! How wicked is that?
Does she? I immediately went into turtle mode and scoffed. I liked my flight of fancy because it showed I still had some imagination left. Or did it? Was it my subconscious driving up from the deep to drop a pearl of crap on the sandy beach? Did I know she knew somehow? And was finally ready to acknowledge it? Today of all days? Decades later? Could I really be that oblivious?
Well why the hell not? I’ve certainly thought she was that oblivious all these years. Why couldn’t it be me instead?
It just reinforces what I know but fail to respect - there are two or more perspectives to every single story. I’ve been living with mine and only mine, never considering another might exist. Seeing things as I saw them in my area of the spotlight without seeing the rest of the stage or back stage.
What a moment in my life when I was reminded I don’t know it all.
Aug 5, 2014
AT&T Home Phone Service
What do I think about AT&T Home Phone service? Don’t buy it. It’s not worth the contract they get you to sign in order to get the price down.
Here’s my story. Two year contract, 6 months in, and the dang device breaks. I don’t think that’s going to be a big deal. Now, 1 & 1/2 weeks later, I learn it IS a big deal. AT&T doesn't have a clear channel on how they service these devices. I would hazard a guess that it kind of falls thru the cracks between their regular business & residential telecom business and their wireless phone business.
The device I have looks a bit like a small router or a 4 port ethernet hub. It’s just a rectangle box, with a power port, two telephone jacks and an industrial fat antenna. It’s a wireless “phone” unit that you connect your own cordless phone system into. It costs $20 a month with FREE nationwide unlimited long distance, so I ported our landline number to it in order to save $30 a month plus long distance charges. Seemed like an excellent deal at the time. I retain a separate number designated as “home phone” so I don’t have to give out cell phone numbers, and keep the number I've had for 20 years and not communicate a phone change to friends and family.
7 months after purchase it fails. Won’t keep power to the unit. No biggie, I’ll call for help. Talked to an AT&T rep on a Saturday. She can’t resolve it over the phone, so sends me in to the local AT&T store. They can’t resolve it either, and determine the device is still under 1 year warranty, so give me a phone number to call for warranty repair.
Here’s where it gets interesting. The warranty department rep determines, based on his troubleshooting call tree, that the device needs to be replaced. This is Saturday, it will ship two day business, and I actually receive it on the following Thursday. Now, they don’t do a full replacement of all pieces and parts. Just the device shell is all that was in the box. No new power cord. No new re-chargeable battery unit. No new SIM card.
Hook it up, doesn't work. It’s Saturday again. Back on the phone. Based on what is happening when this one gets hooked up, next troubleshooting step on the tree indicates it must be a bad battery pack. The device works in such a way that the battery pack must be in it, can’t just run it off the power cord and be done with the batteries. They work as a team. Together.
Because this is the second warranty repair for the same device, this part gets shipped next business day. Ships out on Monday, I get it on Tuesday. Hook it up. Battery indicator indicates progress is being made. Device still doesn't work.
Back to the AT&T support line. Here’s where my suspicions are finally confirmed - they don’t have a good support process in place for the “wireless home phone” device. After 55 minutes of troubleshooting, and speaking with FIVE different AT&T reps who pass me from department to department, the final outcome? You guessed it - another bad part. SIM card is the next thing determined to be bad by the troubleshooting call tree. The rep can ship it, or I can get off my happy little butt and drive on over to the AT&T store. Same one I visited at the beginning of this story.
I choose the store, the rep replaces the SIM card, and everything now works on the device. I’m back in business with a dedicated “home phone” line.
I would have canceled this service after the first warranty replacement part didn't work, but I’m roped into a contract. $122 for a cancellation fee. Nearly paid it anyway after the second warranty replacement part.
Moral of the story? NO CONTRACTS! Have the freedom to throw your hissy fit and walk away from a bad product or bad customer service experience. Hey AT&T, instead of making sure there is always a team member to open and close the doors at the retail store locations, how about streamlining your phone support even more, and get more cross training done, and get your stupid computer system to perform warm handoffs from one rep to the next. I had to repeat who I was, provide proper verification, and restate what I was calling about three different times in the same 55 minute call. Very frustrating consumer experience for me and did some damage to my opinion of AT&T.
Next day - Update: In the middle of a call to my spouse the phone service dropped. Device powered off. More troubleshooting to come!
Final Update: Back to AT&T, by now we have done our own troubleshooting and verified that the power cord is not supplying the correct amount of electricity to the device, using some tool my spouse has to check things. We've also found a similar cable in our electronic stockpile that we were able to plug in and noticed that now the power light is lit up (it had never been before during troubleshooting) and it was in a green status. It began charging the battery. So I called AT&T and explained that all we need is a replacement power cord and we will be back in business. Unfortunately, I spoke to an incredibly helpful person who probably didn't fully understand the device she was working on.
She offered me two options: 1) provide a credit card number to pay for a power cord, and then she would issue a credit on my bill, or b) drive 16 miles to the closest device support center and pick up a power cord. I'm pretty bullish by this point, mad because this whole thing would have been a non-issue if they would have just done a complete replacement, and refuse both options. She spends time offline with a supervisor and they figure out how to get a power cord shipped to me for free.
Power cord arrives next day. Guess what? It's a USB cable.........
Called back, spoke to Ted - the best rep I have ever spoken with during this whole mess, and he identified what needed to be done and arranged to have the correct part shipped within a total 12 minute call time. I received the power cord the next day, it was exactly the right part, plugged it in, and a week later have had zero issues with my phone. Problem solved.
Upon reflection and some time/distance, I believe this story illustrates more the vastness of the call center divisions and amount of products supported thru one central phone number. You never quite know if the branch you are heading down is going to be the best one for your particular problem.
I left my business with them, because I'm lazy and it's too much to have to change, now that the phone works. I'm just a little more dissatisfied than I was a month ago.
Next day - Update: In the middle of a call to my spouse the phone service dropped. Device powered off. More troubleshooting to come!
Final Update: Back to AT&T, by now we have done our own troubleshooting and verified that the power cord is not supplying the correct amount of electricity to the device, using some tool my spouse has to check things. We've also found a similar cable in our electronic stockpile that we were able to plug in and noticed that now the power light is lit up (it had never been before during troubleshooting) and it was in a green status. It began charging the battery. So I called AT&T and explained that all we need is a replacement power cord and we will be back in business. Unfortunately, I spoke to an incredibly helpful person who probably didn't fully understand the device she was working on.
She offered me two options: 1) provide a credit card number to pay for a power cord, and then she would issue a credit on my bill, or b) drive 16 miles to the closest device support center and pick up a power cord. I'm pretty bullish by this point, mad because this whole thing would have been a non-issue if they would have just done a complete replacement, and refuse both options. She spends time offline with a supervisor and they figure out how to get a power cord shipped to me for free.
Power cord arrives next day. Guess what? It's a USB cable.........
Called back, spoke to Ted - the best rep I have ever spoken with during this whole mess, and he identified what needed to be done and arranged to have the correct part shipped within a total 12 minute call time. I received the power cord the next day, it was exactly the right part, plugged it in, and a week later have had zero issues with my phone. Problem solved.
Upon reflection and some time/distance, I believe this story illustrates more the vastness of the call center divisions and amount of products supported thru one central phone number. You never quite know if the branch you are heading down is going to be the best one for your particular problem.
I left my business with them, because I'm lazy and it's too much to have to change, now that the phone works. I'm just a little more dissatisfied than I was a month ago.
Jun 25, 2014
Serendipity
Serendipity, as defined by the online dictionary, is "an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident."
I like this word, I feel like it follows me around a lot. Or maybe I just pay attention more than some!
I treasure the times when I can connect two people who don't know each other but share common ground. Especially when a new relationship takes off because of that connection I facilitated.
I love shopping in the antique and flea market stores and coming across that perfect missing piece that I didn't know was missing until I found it!
I enjoy reading a good book that stirs up a history chase to find out what's real and what's not in the fiction. I learn something, and am far more likely to remember it in this context.
I like how the word "serendipity" rolls off my tongue. It sounds happy, and joyful, and full of energy. It's a good word to use as my one defining word, and I have the life I have today because of all the serendipitous moments that have occurred along the way.
And it rolls downhill. This post is in honor of my daughter's birthdate today, she who experienced her own wildly serendipitous moment earlier this year that resulted in the purchase of her dream home.
I like this word, I feel like it follows me around a lot. Or maybe I just pay attention more than some!
I treasure the times when I can connect two people who don't know each other but share common ground. Especially when a new relationship takes off because of that connection I facilitated.
I love shopping in the antique and flea market stores and coming across that perfect missing piece that I didn't know was missing until I found it!
I enjoy reading a good book that stirs up a history chase to find out what's real and what's not in the fiction. I learn something, and am far more likely to remember it in this context.
I like how the word "serendipity" rolls off my tongue. It sounds happy, and joyful, and full of energy. It's a good word to use as my one defining word, and I have the life I have today because of all the serendipitous moments that have occurred along the way.
And it rolls downhill. This post is in honor of my daughter's birthdate today, she who experienced her own wildly serendipitous moment earlier this year that resulted in the purchase of her dream home.
Oct 7, 2013
Love Letter to Tervis
Last June I fell in love with water again thanks to the discovery of your 24 oz water bottle. It was a chance meeting, I was not looking for it but stumbled across the bottle in Academy Sports. I didn't let the fact he was wearing a sports motif sway me from noticing the fine lines and tight fitting lid.
So I took him home with me.
He changed my life. I began taking him with me everywhere I went. I didn't have to worry about spills due to that tight fitting lid and I didn't have to work to hold him due to the fact he would just slip on one finger and follow along. He kept my hands free for anything else I might need to carry.
I loved the fact that I didn't have to suck on him like a baby to get to his treasures. He would let if flow freely into my mouth whenever I wanted. And he never tasted like cold steel or plastic. His curvy waist allowed me to fit my hand securely to him whenever I just needed to grab hold.
His wide mouth allowed me to fill him with ice to keep my water cold on hot Texas days. Even when he preferred waiting in the car for me while I went shopping, as long as I found him a little bit of shade he would keep my water cool.
He even helped me with my diet and food tracking by telling me how much water he could carry each time I filled him, and stayed by my side all day reminding me to drink more of him.
He was my ultimate companion, until age set in. His neck began to sag and he began to leak a little. I assured him it didn't matter, that I still loved him and I could live with a few dribbles here and there. Sometimes I just had to make sure to wipe around his neck really well when filling him. Unfortunately it got worse and he really began to let water dribble on to my clothing a lot. He would hang his head in shame and beg me to put him aside. I couldn't bear to do it, he had been my faithful companion all summer. How could I just let him walk away? He was such a vital part of my life!
Then one day, while shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond, while he waited patiently in the car, I saw him. His rival. He caught my eye. I ignored him and circled the store. I came back to him and looked at him again. Again I left. But he kept calling to me. I succumbed, I picked him up and put him in my cart. I made him hide in the bag and put him in the trunk for the trip home.
I lovingly washed my older more mature bottle for the last time. As I put him away I told him I'd keep him in case it didn't work out with the new guy or in the event of an emergency. He understood, we both cried a little.
I'm back in the whirlwind stage of new love. My new bottle's neck is firm, no sags, no leaks. I hope he'll be with me for the rest of my life. I hope the place he comes from keeps turning out more like him so all my sisters can have one of their very own. He stands head and shoulders above his competitors in his industry. People will discover that and they will come, anxious to be a part of his circle as his fame grows. I'm glad to be one of the earliest members of his fan club, and know I've found a relationship for life.
Thank you, Tervis, for bringing him to me. I wish you luck in figuring out how to keep his neck from again to prevent sags and leaks!
So I took him home with me.
He changed my life. I began taking him with me everywhere I went. I didn't have to worry about spills due to that tight fitting lid and I didn't have to work to hold him due to the fact he would just slip on one finger and follow along. He kept my hands free for anything else I might need to carry.
I loved the fact that I didn't have to suck on him like a baby to get to his treasures. He would let if flow freely into my mouth whenever I wanted. And he never tasted like cold steel or plastic. His curvy waist allowed me to fit my hand securely to him whenever I just needed to grab hold.
His wide mouth allowed me to fill him with ice to keep my water cold on hot Texas days. Even when he preferred waiting in the car for me while I went shopping, as long as I found him a little bit of shade he would keep my water cool.
He even helped me with my diet and food tracking by telling me how much water he could carry each time I filled him, and stayed by my side all day reminding me to drink more of him.
He was my ultimate companion, until age set in. His neck began to sag and he began to leak a little. I assured him it didn't matter, that I still loved him and I could live with a few dribbles here and there. Sometimes I just had to make sure to wipe around his neck really well when filling him. Unfortunately it got worse and he really began to let water dribble on to my clothing a lot. He would hang his head in shame and beg me to put him aside. I couldn't bear to do it, he had been my faithful companion all summer. How could I just let him walk away? He was such a vital part of my life!
Then one day, while shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond, while he waited patiently in the car, I saw him. His rival. He caught my eye. I ignored him and circled the store. I came back to him and looked at him again. Again I left. But he kept calling to me. I succumbed, I picked him up and put him in my cart. I made him hide in the bag and put him in the trunk for the trip home.
I lovingly washed my older more mature bottle for the last time. As I put him away I told him I'd keep him in case it didn't work out with the new guy or in the event of an emergency. He understood, we both cried a little.
I'm back in the whirlwind stage of new love. My new bottle's neck is firm, no sags, no leaks. I hope he'll be with me for the rest of my life. I hope the place he comes from keeps turning out more like him so all my sisters can have one of their very own. He stands head and shoulders above his competitors in his industry. People will discover that and they will come, anxious to be a part of his circle as his fame grows. I'm glad to be one of the earliest members of his fan club, and know I've found a relationship for life.
Thank you, Tervis, for bringing him to me. I wish you luck in figuring out how to keep his neck from again to prevent sags and leaks!
Sep 22, 2013
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