This is Real. This is Raw. This is Me.

I was reading the first few chapters in a book I had set aside for months now, not touching it or looking at it.  Not really sure why, as it's a book about the fandom of one of my favorite TV shows - Supernatural.  I suspect my inner ID thought it would be cheesy and silly and don't these people have a life after all?  I know I was being pretentious and holier than thou and thinking it would just be a collection of gushing fan letters "Oh Jensen your lips are so beautiful" and "Oh Jared I love your hair".

I was pretentious.  I was arrogant.  I am humbled after reading those first several stories.  They were real and they meant something to ME personally.  I read about myself, many different facets of myself.  I recognized myself and my journey.  In reading their stories I read me.

I've always been afraid of this blog.  I've been terrified of putting my own words out there on that great wide internet, or anywhere at all where someone else might see them.  I can't reveal that much of myself, I have to stay hidden and locked away.  The humility gene has been beat into me from an early age - isn't writing the most selfish and self-aware thing you can do?  Writing this, right now, this page - isn't this just ME crying for attention?  I was taught never to be the one that gets the attention.  Stay in the background. Stay quiet.  Don't cry.  Never cry.  Never never never my mind just roils with all the "nevers" I was raised on.  They make it difficult for me to open any doors and lower any boundaries.  Events of the past 8 years have layered a mountain of granite over those stone walls of my soul and all creativity I thought I once had just vanished.

I used to hunger to write.  I used to dream of telling my stories.  I never really knew what my stories would BE but dammit I wanted to tell them.  That desire that I've lived with since I was old enough to read just went away.  It went completely away and left me about 4 years ago.  I thought "well look old girl you finally grew up.  You put away the last of your childhood dreams.  You're really an adult now."

How sad.  and how fucking grateful I am to this book.  This little slim paperback book that I bury my nose in just to smell the printed page and caress the softest cover stock to feel how an actual book feels again and remind me of how a book was my first companion and my oldest friend.

Thank you, Lynn Zubernis, for doing what you love and creating this collection of inspiring journeys and riveting tales from the folks I never acknowledged as family, until now.  Thanks, #SPNFamily.  May I discover my next chapter in your light.